You know when you get so angry and resentful that it is almost tiring...that is how I feel today. Not because of how angry and resentful I am...but I had a dream about it. I dreamt that I was blaming several people for Ron's death. He died for different reasons in my dream and I was really blaming people for it. I woke up this morning just wiped right out, I had a very hard time getting out of bed. Today Michaela and I are having a jammie day, I just don't have it in me to go out anywhere, not even to take her to preschool.
I have had such a great last few days, I mean great...maybe this is my own guilt for having fun...who knows. Maybe I just need a day of resting and doing nothing...I don't think that is it. I think I'm just having a day where I truly miss Ron, I wish I could blame someone...I get angry with God for taking him. I know God is very forgiving with me for this, I know He has His reasons for what we went through...I just wish I knew (but at least Ron knows).
I know that today I will need to spend some time meditating on God's word...asking for some help...and some forgivness.