I'm Still Here

Yes it has been a while since I posted...but I'm still here...just really tired!!

My eyes aren't seeing too well right now...usually it is just my age but tonight it is because I got mine and Ron's income tax done...WOOHOO. Now I just have to find Ron's access number (that I know came in the mail) and I can efile them.

This week has been a tough one. I haven't slept well all week...but I've watched season three of The Office (including commentaries, bloopers and deleted scenes) that is one of my favourite shows...probably not the right thing to watch when I'm trying to sleep.

So another month has gone by and I can't believe tomorrow is March 1st. I'm so ready for spring this year...it seems to have been a long long winter!! I'm excited because on Sunday I get 3 girls and an adult from the Watoto Children's Choir staying with me for 2 nights. I'm really looking forward to seeing them in concert at our church on Sunday night...and to spend the day with them on Monday will be such a treat. I hope that we are able to bless them with comfort, rest and love.

This month I need to start living with more discipline, getting a schedule for my home and meal planning and all that stuff. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed at times and setting a schedule would fix that so easily. I need to set my priorities and start living a more purposeful life. I need to get more into God's word and really get my prayer and devotional life back in order.

Oh yeah and I went to the bank today to see if I'd be able to get a line of credit to build a house, but because I don't have an income they aren't sure if I would qualify. So frustrating, so next week I'll know if I'm building a home or looking for one that is already built. What I do know is that either way I know it will be God's will and I'm okay with that. I do know that I need a small er house, this house is just too big for the two of us.

So there it is, my life in a nutshell...I hope I wasn't too down here. I'm actually pretty happy right now, I have some really great friends in my life and we've even taken time to spend with each other. The last couple of Tuesday's I've been able to get together with a couple of friends for what we call widow's dinners (I'm actually the only widow...the others hubby's are just away or working). We've had great times with that, our kids play together and we get to visit, laugh and just enjoy each other. I'm looking forward to this Tuesday at my house. I've gotten to spend time with my friend Laura now that the roads aren't so bad and she can actually make it here...awesome. I have another friend who has been such a huge blessing to me and my family. God brought them into my life just as we were finding out Ron was ill...His timing is perfect.

Anyway now that I've gone down so many rabbit trails in this post that I don't know which way is up. I'm heading to bed and hopefull will sleep for a very long time!!!

I'm Exhausted

You know when you get so angry and resentful that it is almost tiring...that is how I feel today. Not because of how angry and resentful I am...but I had a dream about it. I dreamt that I was blaming several people for Ron's death. He died for different reasons in my dream and I was really blaming people for it. I woke up this morning just wiped right out, I had a very hard time getting out of bed. Today Michaela and I are having a jammie day, I just don't have it in me to go out anywhere, not even to take her to preschool.

I have had such a great last few days, I mean great...maybe this is my own guilt for having fun...who knows. Maybe I just need a day of resting and doing nothing...I don't think that is it. I think I'm just having a day where I truly miss Ron, I wish I could blame someone...I get angry with God for taking him. I know God is very forgiving with me for this, I know He has His reasons for what we went through...I just wish I knew (but at least Ron knows).

I know that today I will need to spend some time meditating on God's word...asking for some help...and some forgivness.

God is Good!!

God has been very good to me the last couple of days (okay, He is always good to me)!! But He has given me rest and great company the last couple of days.

Saturday, as written, was a great day, yesterday after church a good friend took Michaela for the afternoon. I was able to catch up on laundry and get some housework done...it just seems so much easier when the house is empty. Today my sister came into town and we got to go for lunch and visit with each other, plus Michaela was happy because my niece came with her two kids...they are all the same age (yes I did say my niece's kids). I just got a message from a friend to go to her house for dinner tomorrow, her kids and Michaela all get along well...YES!!!!

We have had such a crazy winter and I'm so ready for it to end, we've had some very nice weather the last couple of days...that always helps. It is so good so feel a bit of spring!!

I have to do a craft this week for "Take a Break"...we're decorating a flower pot (I'm sure others need a bit of spring like me)!! So now I have to figure out how we'll decorate it and get the stuff.

Now I've got to get my stuff together for our Bible Study appy night...yeah food!!!

What a Great Day!

Today was my jammie day...I was just going to hand around the house and maybe do some house work...or maybe not. Then I got a call from a good friend asking if I wanted to go shopping with her...YES!!!

So the plan was that she was coming into town (we live about 45 min apart), we would meet for lunch with her hubby and 3 kids. Her hubby was taking their kids to visit his dad at some property and he took Michaela with him...not only did I get to spend time with Laura we got to shop without kids!!

We had such a great time, we went into stores that are hard to shop in with kids. I love days like today, it was a surprise and totally not what I had planned...but it was great and just what I needed.

God knew I needed some time to myself, I needed to spend time with a friend and just enjoy myself..and I did!!

Another Day

Well I'm a little disappointed today, my sister was going to come here for a visit (she lives 45 min away) but we're having some serious snow and wind...kind of like a blizzard ...okay exactly like a blizzard. So I don't get to visit with her...but that is okay I'd rather wait to see her than worry as she is driving here.

I met with a realestate agent yesterday about selling my house and maybe either buy or building a new smaller house...it went very well. So now I have a few things to do to the house...installing baseboards is the big one and then some painting and a bit of decluttering.

So now I'm going to make some chili and buns for supper, I have some friends who having been working pretty hard so I've told them to come over whenever and eat...so now I still get to visit with people that I love!!!

I Need More Stress

So I'm thinking that my life is so stress free that maybe this would be a good time to sell my house and get something smaller...yeah that is a good idea.

I was planning on doing a bunch of work on the house this year, so I start thinking about it last weekend (which is generally dangerous). I spoke with good friends of mine (who was going to do the work) and ask if it is worth it to put all that money into this house or look for something that fits us better.

So I went to see a realestate agent today and she is going to come and see the house tomorrow to give me an idea of how much we'd get for this house so I know what I'm looking at for a new house.

Now if that isn't stressful enough...I might have the house built instead. Actually I don't think that would be too bad, I have great friends to do the work...God really was looking out for me when he brought them into my life!!!

So I will be praying and asking if this is the right decision for Michaela and I...if I'm taking care of the gift God has given me. If you think of it please pray about this decision...nothing would happen for a few months.

Oh and the bark collar is really doing a great job...I'm wondering why I didn't get one of these ages ago!!

My Dog

This is Buddy, we've had him for just over 2 months now. He is a great little dog...however he has a few bad habits. First one is he barks, he barks when the cat gets away from him, he barks when he hears strange noises...he barks into thin air. I'm planning on getting a dog trainer to work on some of his issues...but the barking I'm going to take care of myself.

I bought a Citronella spray bark collar...it is the humane kind so no need to call PETA on me. When he barks he'll get a little spray (actually the spray goes away from his face), the sound and the scent is suppose to deter him from barking...I really hope this helps!!

Okay while I'm sitting here typing this he just barked at the cat...and it worked he stopped right away. So far so good!!

Sleep

Okay this is insane...it is midnight and here I am tapping away on the keyboard in bed (love the laptop)! I just can't sleep tonight...I have nights like this about once a week. It is so different than I've always been, I've always been an early to bed early to rise type of person. I was always in bed by 9pm and usually up at around 4:30 - 5am (I know its insane)...I loved those hours.

Now I drag myself out of bed in the morning, I generally still go to bed at around 9 or 10pm...but I usually watch tv until 11pm and then try and get to sleep. I'm still trying to adjust to this new sleep schedule...I just wish my life would go back to the way it was and stay there.

I think caring for Ron when he was sick is what messed up my schedule, I was up with him at least 5 lots of times much more each night. Because he had lost his sight he couldn't tell if it was morning or night...so if he wanted something (even just to know the time) he had to wake me. I have to say that I would do it all again for him...I miss him every moment of the day. I loved the fact that I could take care of his every need, even the most personal and always felt it was such an honour to do this for him. We often joked about this sort of thing...I'm so glad he had a sense of humor even during the tough times.

Well I'm going to try and get a bit of sleep tonight...I'll have to see if there are any Law and Order reruns on!!